On Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

         

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If there was a war between the sexes, it’s over. 

But, I don’t think in those terms. This Guy’s Guy believes that men and women were dropped into this crazy world to love one another. Yes, I know that things can get sticky between the sexes and we’re not on the same page and don’t always play fair with each other, but it’s important to keep that original intention in mind if we want a chance to savor our one short romp around the track.

Bottom line, if it was a contest, in our lifetime women have won, and won big. 

But there is a long way to go before we reach true equality. Men still control the majority of big business (surprisingly less than 10% of CEO’S of the largest 5,000 corporations in the world are women). And according to The Business Insider, Japan is the only global power with a majority of entrepreneurs being female. So there is more work to be done, ladies. Regardless, this is the most important time in herstory for women. Women are not only ascending, they are finally being recognized. Here are some facts that men need to face if we have not yet realized these simple truths. 

1- Women will keep moving forward. Whether it is pursuing their education, financial equality in the workplace, rights to manage their bodies, and their changing roles in relationships women have fought too hard to slow down or take even the slightest step backwards. If men continue to fall behind in all of these areas, that’s show biz. Guys, it’s time to wake up and get it together. According to David Houle, a futurist, with undergraduate percentages of women to men now a respective 60% versus 40%, the future will be a time of even greater change and a tipping of the scales towards women taking charge. Young females are also outperforming the males in standardized testing. Reasons listed include the male absorption of computer games, recruitment to the military, drug use, gangs and more. Of course not all young men fall into this pattern, but the facts are in and young women are kicking butt. 

2- Women don’t want to become men. That’s just not the idea. Women are doing their thing to help themselves and why the heck shouldn’t they. They just want a fair shake and be recognized for what they bring to the table. If I were female I’d be damned if I was going to rely on a man to take care of me. Women have the opportunity and the resources and support to continue to grow and evolve, and they should. In fact, they’ve evolved past the time when they felt they needed to act and behave like men in the workplace to get ahead. Now, they just think like a guy when they need to while not compromising their own femininity, and that’s great news for guys. 

3- Women don’t want men to become women. At the same time, they are not looking to switch places with guys. Go ahead, Brosephine, and pick out a pair of mantyhose if that’s what makes you feel good, but the ladies are not looking to compete with you for best legs in the relationship. The mandals, hewaxing, botox, and too much time in the gym and downing “supplements” are fine if you want to emulate a buffed up Carrot Top, but the women I know say, “No thanks, amigo”. Just be a guy and be supportive of her while doing your thing. And keep growing. That’s all women want from guys now and how bad is that? 

4- Don’t hate. Some bro-bloggers and relationship pundits think that although women are making strides, guys don’t have to evolve even one little bit. Their rationale is that women don’t have any other place to go if they seek a relationship. Although there is a smidgen of truth to this rationale, it basically states that even if men are behaving like jerks, what other options do you have, ladies? That’s hating and it’s low vibration. Does this attitude make the world a better place? 

5- It can be done. I saw this on a little sign perched on a former boss’s desk a long time ago, and although he turned out to be of questionable character, the message resonated. Yes, we live in a crazy topsy-turvy world where everything has become a crapshoot. But, hey, it’s a lot more fun if we face the future as men and women together supporting each other and remaining open-minded about the possibilities. 

Some ask why. 

Your Guy’s Guy asks, “Why not?” Are the guys you know supportive of the continued strides and advances of women?  

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How long is too long to wait for a man? 

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Guys’ Guys need good music and for the past fifty years, the Stones have spun a wicked soundtrack. Like them or not, you have to admit the Stones have withstood time. Despite the arrival of disco, rap, hip hop, electronica, house, world, and competitors as talented as Nirvana, Guns and Roses, and Led Zeppelin, only the Stones have kept it together and rolled for five decades. And while in six short years the Beatles songs lifted us to ethereal heights that will never be matched, the Stones grounded us in the real world. No yellow submarines or Bungalow Bills here. The Stones wrote classic rock songs about the challenges we face every day, and that’s why they matter - especially to Guys’ Guys.  In this rapidly changing world and a music industry that breeds acts as disposable as a soiled pair of Depends, the Stones have time and gravitas on their side.   But can they still roll or are their steel wheels too creaky?   Their golden anniversary tour has been pushed back a bit because “they are not ready” and with no new music for the past seven years, this seems strange. But, the last standing vestiges of the classic rock era get a well-deserved pass. As quick as you can say “Start Me Up”, Mick will once again move like Jagger. Okay, you have probably figured out that I really like the Rolling Stones. The main reason is that in a strange way, their music helped me develop from angry young man to my hopefully mellower current persona. Here are a few songs that were guideposts for my evolution as a Guy’s Guy.

1- Brown Sugar - Every few months, my mom would drive to the retail district of Hackensack, NJ to shop. There was a record store near the Fox movie theater that carried the latest records. I was in school so I’d write her a list. I’d give mom the money and she’d buy me one or two albums. On one particular trip she returned wielding copies of, The Monkees, “Headquarters” and the Stones epic “Sticky Fingers” albums. Needless to say she frowned when she handed over the Stones album with Andy Warhol’s black and white photo of a guy’s bulging package and the silver zipper on the cover. Hilarious. The moment I heard the song’s opening riff of Brown Sugar that sounded like the gears of a high-octane V-8 engine kicking in, everything changed. I was alive. Since my family lived only minutes from my school, I listened to that song and album every day for the next year when I’d stop home at lunchtime and have a sandwich and a dish of Jell-O with my Mom. I applaud her for never complaining as she was subjected to songs like  “Bitch” and “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking?” as we ate. It was a great time in my life-bonding with mom while listening to the Stones. Although I was now bursting with testosterone, I realized that my mom was also my friend. Cool.

2- Shattered - “Some Girls” was all about New York City. It was raw and insidious in its charm.  The final song, “Shattered” featured lyrics like, “Love and hope and sex and dreams and still surviving on the street” and “Rats on the West Side, bed bugs uptown”. It painted the Manhattan of that time with a brazenly accurate brush. I was still living in Jersey in those days, but I’d drive across the bridge to visit my friends in the city. We partied like wild boys until five in the morning and crash wherever. I remember walking up after an all-nighter on the closet floor of a woman’s apartment with my body entwined with one of her girlfriends.  Those were fun, innocent times and compared to today’s hard-edged nightlife. I found my drug and it was New York City.

3- Start Me Up - Probably one of the most overplayed radio songs of all time, but infectious just the same. Who could shy away from Keith’s opening riff and Mick’s declaration that the girl he sang about could make a dead man come? That’s some woman. I heard the song for the first time while partying in the back of a car cruising up Wilshire in LA while with a buddy from college and his friends. It was the eighties now and things were changing. I was too. At the time, it was all about heading west and discovering America.

4- Anybody Seen My Baby? - The underrated “Bridges to Babylon” album featured a single with Mick sing-speaking his lament about a great girl that had disappeared into thin air. At the time, like my character Max Hallyday, the protagonist in my novel, THE GUYS’ GUY’S GUIDE TO LOVE, I had just left a job I really loved for the promise of money and power. I got some of that, but I also got a wake up call about what really matters in life and it really stuck in my brain. I learned that you could never go back.

5- A Bigger Bang - When the Stones last release came out a few years ago, everything in my life had been blown up in some way. I was completely on my own. It was a very free feeling so I decided that I’d take a risk and write a kick-ass novel that would make people feel good. The CD sounded like the Stones were playing in my living room and the songs were relatively light versus their former harder edge. The digital download provided a great soundtrack for my long runs in Central Park and at the shore and the more circumspect songs helped me work out the novel’s plot twists and turns as I loped along. The music was transformative and the collection of songs provided an ongoing narrative and tone for my protagonist, Max Hallyday.

For most of us music plays a part in modern life. The Rolling Stones have grown up with me and for that I will always be grateful. While they pull themselves together for their final tour, I’m working on my next book and waiting on my lifelong musical friends.

So which songs have inspired you? Maybe it's time to listen to them again.

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Why is it so damn easy for men to screw up? We’ve got it all these days. Smart, talented, beautiful women who actually chase us, more video games, sporting events, and action-packed movies than you’ll ever watch, and every morsel of information about anything at your fingertips. Then why do men have a habit of messing up a good thing? It’s easy, and here are a few of the usual suspects—some are fun, some are dumb.

1 - Wearing the wrong hats at the wrong time.

What? Yeah, that’s right. Hats. You’ve got a stack of them and more on the way. But, although they make you feel pretty cool while keeping the sun off your noggin, there’s plenty of room to screw up with a hat, especially if you want to score points with the ladies. First, don’t ever wear those animal-themed hats with the long dangling ear thingies. I’ve asked around, but no seems to know what this head wear is called besides embarrassing. Really, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror wearing one of those furry long-eared hats? Do you really think looking like a reindeer is going to work with the ladies? Same goes for wearing the old pulled-down baseball hat with the name of your college or university when indoors and especially on a date in a restaurant. This screams that you never really graduated. Save it pounding brews with your buddies.

2 - Being rude to the retail or wait staff.  

True- no one really wants to wait on other people and some people really suck at it, but let it go. If you react with anything more than a roll of your eyes or a laugh when the waiter brings you the pea soup with ham bits in it, after you told him you were vegetarian, your date will not like it. Women appear to have more empathy for these mistakes, and especially when they happen to you, so beware. If you raise your voice and dress down the waiter, negative points, my friend. Negative points.

3 - Keeping your iPhone on the table during that first date.

Okay, you’re a busy man. She gets it and likes that about you. But the first meeting is all about focus and paying attention…to her. Put the phone away, partner. If you must, you can text your buds when she goes to the little girls room. Make her feel like she is your top priority and you can’t lose.

4 - Be late. Be boring.

Being late is common in NYC. I have been on both sides of the equation.  For me, fifteen minutes is the maximum elasticity on time without shooting a text or a quick call for friends and business acquaintances. If it’s your first date, be early and if you are running even five minutes late, let her know. If you are a couple, treat her like it’s your first date and you can never go wrong. It’s called courtesy. Same goes for planning a date. I like to eat, so my default date was always a nice meal. Most women secretly or not so secretly love to chow down. There are a million places to eat in New York and everyone loves exploring an exotic out of the way bistro or someplace hot or tried and true. That said, there is something to be said for seeing a new exhibit at MOMA or a cello concert at Lincoln Center or hitting golf balls at Chelsea Piers or snagging seats behind first base for a Yankees game, or…oh you know what I mean. Do your best and use you imagination and you will be rewarded.

5 - Be a jealous guy.

Maybe it worked for Lennon, but too many men get all paranoid and bent out of shape when they realize that their lady friends have other friends that are guys. Maybe there’s some dude at her office that closes sales like Mariano Rivera or the sinewy guy who teaches her power yoga class or…the point is, there are other men in her life. But she wants to be with you. You are Numero Uno. Remember that the next time she gives you a private showing of her new Agent Provocateur baby doll ensemble. Jealousy has been engrained in culture since the beginning of time, but can you think of a time where it did any good? It’s a sign of insecurity and a waste of time.   Ready to kick those easy-to-make man mistakes to the curb? 

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Image courtesy of The Modern Hermit

For centuries everyone agreed that the world was flat. That is until Ferdinand Magellan (a guy’s guy for sure) sailed his historic lap around the globe. That was a major V-8 moment for a lot of folks. Ferdy expanded his horizons and drew a new map of the world. And it only happened because he lost the list that told him that the earth was flat.  Women and men also need to consider losing their mating spec lists if they want that sense of discovery and delight that exploration provides.

Is losing the list that difficult and why can’t I keep it?

We live in a society of entitlement, a place where everyone wants what he or she wants when they want it. Do we really need all of those flavors of rice pudding? Probably not, but it’s comforting to know that they have a green tea flavor. However, when it comes to finding a mate, so many women (and men) that I have spoken to lock themselves in to rigid criteria for finding a potential partner. And, I get it…to a point. If you are a statuesque lady you probably feel more comfortable with taller guys. Some even believe there is a subconscious breeding barometer that women have about the height of their man. When I scrunch down to go eye-to-eye with my wife, who stands five feet one, and ask her if she would love me if I were her height, she cringes. I think we all have a friend or three who only make themselves available to a select group of potential suitors. Yes, I agree that parameters exist for money, race, religion, occupation, and education. But hair color, boob size, finger length (yes, I’ve heard this one), and having to live within three subway stops without changing trains? That’s when I begin to question if the list is crafted to find the mate of your dreams or ensure that you don’t.  Sure, time is money, but people get real picky when it comes to dating.  I have found that in my successful relationships the only consistency in my partners was that they were all attractive (to me), intelligent, and kind-hearted. Yes, we connected on a sexual level, but who enters a relationship really knowing how that is going to work out, unless you are paying for it?

So, what’s the point?

Lose the list and find your love. That’s it. And if you can’t lose your list, at least re-examine and downsize it. There’s something special about the magic of love, especially when there is a sense of discovery and openness. The heart wants what it wants, but sometimes what we think we want may not be the best thing for us. Consider Big Macs, hot wings, light beer, and nachos. I can go on, but if you limit yourself to a tightly constructed list of superficial characteristics for your mates, you’re going to spend more time alone while your dating competitors are whipping your butt in the game of love because they tossed the list and tweaked the rules in their favor.

Is your list working against your efforts to find true love?

Try losing the list and see what you might discover.

Guest post from The Matchmaker Blog

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